It’s Christmas time everyone, and NBA teams aren’t exempt from dissertation-long wish lists.
And if said team resides in the East, let’s just say nearly the entire conference would ask for a thousand and one mulligans. The Miami Heat, Indiana Pacers and Atlanta Hawks have hogged all the winning records in 2013-2014.
But we’ll take the whole league into consideration when realizing our inner Santa.
Like a certain schoolboy with eyes only for a Red Rider BB gun, each squad can only have one wish.
This list will do its best to oblige.
Atlanta Hawks (15-13), 2nd in Southeast Division
Remember that one winning team outside of Indiana and Miami?
Yeah, the Hawks really hope they’re as good as their above-.500 record would suggest.
Because, outside of a Christmas miracle, only the Pacers or Heat will be representing the East come NBA finals.
Atlanta is wishing for that miracle.
Boston Celtics (12-17), 2nd in Atlantic Division
What happens when a team that was supposed to finish in last place currently ranks as a playoff qualifier in late December?
It asks for a tank-worthy draft pick without actually having to tank.
Keep winning, Boston Celtics—Santa will help you win the lottery when the time comes.
Brooklyn Nets (9-18), 3rd in Atlantic Division
So, if Santa’s reindeer help deliver all those presents, you think they could hook it up with some of their antler spray?
Nets starters have missed a combined 30 games due to injury. And franchise center Brook Lopez is done for the season. They average on the wrong side of 31.8 years of age.
Hey Rudolph, give us some of that Christmas vitality—stat!
Charlotte Bobcats (14-15), 3rd in Southeast Division
Like one of their divisional adversaries, the Bobcats could really use a legitimate record at season’s end.
But unlike the Hawks, Charlotte merely wants just the second plus-.500 mark and playoff appearance in its franchise’s history.
Is that really too much to ask, Santa?
Chicago Bulls (10-16), 3rd in Central Division
We’ll make this real simple, Mr. Claus.
Call Wolverine and get some Adamantium for the legs of our star point guard.
And maybe a tasty burrito to hold Derrick Rose over until then.
Sincerely,
Chicago Bulls
Cleveland Cavaliers (10-17), 4th in Central Division
The good people of Cleveland have a two-part wish. And it’s a real doozy.
LeBron James opts out in 2014, Cavaliers win NBA Championship in 2015.
Good luck, Santa.
Dallas Mavericks (16-12), 3rd in Southwest Division
In the spirit of giving, the Mavericks would like Monta Ellis to keep doing just that.
Dallas is 8-2 this season when its point guard dishes out seven or more assists.
The Mavs wish for a continued and prosperous future for Ellis’ would-be career-high.
Denver Nuggets (14-13), 3rd in Northwest Division
A nifty new time machine is No. 1 on Denver’s yuletide wish list.
The Nuggets reeled off seven straight wins and stood at 11-6 in the standings as of Dec. 3. They have more recently suffered defeat in four consecutive games and are just one game above .500 as of Christmas Eve.
They would very much enjoy returning to winning times of yore.
Detroit Pistons (14-16), 2nd in Central Division
“Please bring us some consistency,” the Pistons would exclaim to the hypothetical Santa.
To wit, here is Detroit’s won-loss pattern over the past 21 games: Win one, lose two, win two, lose two, win four, lose three, win one, lose one, win two, lose two, win one.
A team with 20’ 9’’ worth of such talented frontcourt featuring Josh Smith, Greg Monroe and Andre Drummond shouldn’t perform this erratically.
Golden State Warriors (16-13), 3rd in Pacific Division
Golden State is 2-10 when trailing by more than two scores after the third quarter.
Aside from two logic-defying comebacks against the Toronto Raptors and Mavericks, “Dub City” is a resounding failure without a late-game lead.
Santa should know exactly what the Warriors want if he’s been privy to any of their exciting, yet seriously maddening style of play in 2013-2014.
Houston Rockets (18-11), 2nd in Southwest Division
We send our deepest condolences to those wishing that this list would not bring any attention to Dwight Howard.
But since this wish belongs to Houston, he cannot be avoided.
The Rockets are perfect in the win column when Howard collects 19 or more rebounds (4-0) and shoots more than 80 percent from the line (3-0). But they’re just 2-3 when he scores over 29 points.
Small sample size or not, Houston needs more paint production—rather than scoring—out of Howard.
Communal joy over individual happiness, Dwight!
Indiana Pacers (23-5), 1st in Central Division
What do you give a first-place team that’s all but guaranteed to represent the Eastern Conference in the NBA Finals?
A guarantee to reach the NBA finals.
C’mon Santa, the Miami Heat have experienced enough championship bliss. Share the wealth.
Los Angeles Clippers (20-9), 1st in Pacific Division
The Clippers are in the midst of a five-game winning streak.
They would wish for nothing more than that number climbing to six—especially as Christmas comes to a close at around 10:00 PM PST.
Season’s Greetings, newfound first-fiddle in the city of Los Angeles.
Los Angeles Lakers (13-15), 4th in Pacific Division
Speaking of second fiddles, the fourth-place Lakers can’t take it any longer.
They very much need a rejuvenating tonic from a certain bearded, rotund and red-faced giver of gifts. And that goes for their team’s lifeblood and overall franchise.
Kobe Bryant is not someone you want to disappoint, Santa.
The Black Mamba never forgets.
Memphis Grizzlies (12-15), 5th in Southwest Division
All I want for Christmas is…Marc Gasol.
Memphis is 4-10 since Gasol suffered his sprained MCL against the San Antonio Spurs one month ago (including that Nov. 22 game).
Aside from not having to move back to Vancouver, the Grizzlies wish for good health upon their MVP-caliber big man.
Miami Heat (21-6), 1st in Southeast Division
A few things Mr. Claus.
A clean bill of health, continued winning and engaged minds for the Miami Heat during an unnecessarily long 82-game regular season.
These are the reigning NBA champs that will again defend their title pursuit against the Pacers in the Eastern Conference finals.
Please make sure no undue obstacles get in the way of this epic rematch, Santa.
Milwaukee Bucks (6-22), 5th in Central Division
More wins and fewer losses—it doesn’t get any more basic than that for the league-worst Milwaukee Bucks in 2013-2014.
They would really appreciate passing the 10-win mark and avoiding the 30-loss varietal before February.
It looks like there will be some tough sleighing ahead for Santa Claus this Christmas year. Pun fully intended.
Minnesota Timberwolves (13-15), 4th in Northwest Division
You know what Kevin Love would just love for Christmas?
Anything resembling a supporting cast for the man ranking No. 1 in the NBA in rebounds (13.9), third in scoring (25.9) and that gives out 4.2 assists from a front-court position.
The do-it-all, best power forward in the game needs, wishes and deserves more than Ricky Rubio’s measly 9.0 PPG and Corey Brewer’s 10.4 player efficiency rating.
Oh, and the same goes for the Minnesota Timberwolves.
New Orleans Pelicans (12-14), 4th in Southwest Division
All hail “The Brow.”
Pelicans power forward Anthony Davis sports per-games averages of 19.2 points, 10.2 rebounds (No. 9), 3.3 blocks (No. 1) and 1.6 steals. He also rocks a fantastic 27.94 PER for good measure.
In addition to a return to a respectable franchise name, New Orleans wishes for lasting success out of their impressive sophomore big man.
New York Knicks (9-18), 3rd in Atlantic Division
Every morning, the city of New York wakes up knowing that its beloved Knicks are the laughingstock of the NBA.
Santa dearest, please extricate this basketball team from its dysfunctional hilarity with a finely wrapped Christmas-Day win.
The Knicks need it, the Big Apple needs it, we as a human race need it.
Oklahoma City Thunder (22-5), 2nd in Northwest Division
So, if dear ole Santa brings the Knicks a Christmas win, what does he give to the opposing Oklahoma City Thunder?
An altruistic mentality—the 22-win Thunder can afford just their sixth loss of the season.
Cede the game OKC, you’ll still remain in prime position for a future appearance in the NBA Finals.
Orlando Magic (8-20), 5th in Southeast Division
Playoffs for the Magic?
If the four other squads in the Southeast presently qualify for the postseason, why not add one more from that quality division?
Plus, any team with names like Nikola Vucevic, Victor Oladipo and Glen “Big Baby” Davis on its roster deserves more national spotlight.
Just a humble request from the city of Orlando.
Philadelphia 76ers (8-20), 5th in Atlantic Division
In reference to an oft-cited theme, the 76ers wish for a healthy remainder of the season.
Philadelphia’s star rookie Michael Carter-Williams is as exciting a player as any in the NBA. The first-year point guard ranks in the top 10 in scoring, assists and blocks and second in rebounds among those at his position.
He sits unrivaled among all players with 3.0 steals per contest.
The Sixers ask that MCW not add to his 11 games missed already this year.
They’re kinda, er, 1-10 without him on the floor…
Phoenix Suns (17-10), 2nd in Pacific Division
Wait, so the Suns are 17-10 and the No. 6 playoff seed out West—sir?
A team that basketball pundits forecasted as potentially the worst in the NBA currently overachieves by unquantifiable margins.
Phoenix wishes for prolonged amicable relations between backcourt mates Eric Bledsoe and Goran Dragic. That also wasn’t supposed to happen.
Portland Trailblazers (23-5), 1st in Northwest Division
The Trailblazers were supposed to be good, but 23-wins, best-in-the-NBA-good?
Even though hardwood prognosticators swung and missed once again, the fine people of Portland don’t deserve any more basketball misery.
They humbly request that Santa not allow their Trailblazers to lose 13 straight games again in the final month of the season.
May the playoff-bound magic continue.
Sacramento Kings (8-19), 5th in Pacific Division
Basketball life is pretty dreary these days for those playing in Sacramento.
The Kings are one of only two Western Conference teams with single-digit wins and double-digit losses. They would merely appreciate indoctrination into the membership of nine with double-digits in both columns.
Maybe even before the New Year.
With their next three December games against the 61-win Heat, Spurs and Rockets, we wish the Sacramento-based Santa Claus all the best.
San Antonio Spurs (22-6), 1st in Southwest Division
This generation’s Spurs wish for little and want for just about nothing with their annual playoff appearances and four NBA titles since 1998-1999.
They’ve even rebounded this year without any apparent repercussions from last season’s gut-wrenching Finals defeat.
So, for it’s No. 1 wish, San Antonio merely wants payback against in-state “rival” Houston on Christmas Day.
Avenging a 112-106 loss on Nov. 30 should be easy enough against a still-unproven Rockets club.
Toronto Raptors (11-15), 1st in Atlantic Division
The lone Canadian NBA franchise wishes for a spot in the history books.
Toronto wants to lead a pack of five sub-.500 Eastern Conference teams to make the playoffs for (most likely) the first time ever.
Make it happen, Santa—posterity needs this from the Raptors.
Utah Jazz (8-23), 5th in Northwest Division
The worst of the West surely has its eyes on 2014-2015.
With that in mind, the Jazz wish for a bright future for their first-year point guard Trey Burke. Their promising rookie ranks third in points and second in assists and free-throw percentage among his fellow NBA neophytes.
Utah wants those top-three ratings to rise into the top-one among the rookie-turned-sophomore class next season.
But to hold them over until then, the Jazz might want a dream-machine that creates an imaginary world filled with endless highlights of John Stockton and Karl Malone.
Washington Wizards (12-13), 4th in Southeast Division
John Wall is shooting over 30 percent from three?
Including his 31.9 three-point average, the Wizards wish for the continuation of Wall’s career-highs across the board. His 19.6 PPG, 4.3 REB, 9.1 AST, 2.2 STL and nine total double-doubles all land in the top five among NBA point guards as well.
Ending a five-year postseason drought and harking back to the 1970’s Washington Bullets era might also find its place on this list.
As the current No. 6 playoff seed in the East, these Wizards might start rocking a Baltimore Bullets flat-bill if Santa does his job this Christmas season.
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