As an homage to my favorite comedian of all time, the late and ground-breaking Mitch Hedberg, I hereby take a teeny bit of creative liberty to innovatively alter one of his classic bits. “Fantasy Football Addiction is a disease. But it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. ‘Dammit, Otto, you are a fantasy football addict. Dammit, Otto, you have lupus.’ One of those two doesn’t sound right.”

Hi, my name is Jay. And I’m an addict. Before you roll your eyes at this played-out interchange, hasn’t it been proven by some smart so-and-so’s somewhere at institutes of higher learning, that addictions are actually diseases? So, really, it’s not my fault that I live, eat, breathe, sing, hear, smell and fantasize about fantasy football? It’s a disease. But, as of yet, there is no cure.

Until that day, I choose to help. I simply want to be a blessing to fellow addicts everywhere. Specifically, what can we addicts —the hundreds of millions of us out there, and you know who you are—do, now that our fantasy football seasons are essentially finished? Today, I ponder things we can and should do in this upcoming fantasy football off-season to cope. Not to cure, mind you; rather, these are simply ways to cope. Because, as we all know, you can’t stop the addiction; you can only hope to contain it. Thank you, Dan Patrick, for the inspiration.

Without further adieu, I provide you the following innovative ideas and advanced activities for this fantasy football off-season, to bide your time until the next fake football season begins.

Troll for New Opponents to Whip Into Submission

There are plenty of places you can find new competition to acquiesce to your fantasy dominance. Coworkers are always an easy target. Although you might be wary of inviting the boss into a league, because you then put yourself into quite the quandary. Do I let her win, to gain career brownie points? Or do I show my competitive, kick-ass spirit, to spring right up that corporate ladder? Hey, I never said these would not be without moral dilemma, folks. Also, guys (and girls) working out at the gym often portray strong mental prowess and a deeply competitive nature, two great qualities for fantasy owners. Of course, those same gym rats can often also possess a certain arrogant, “King of the World” moxie or even a penchant for ‘roiding up. Again, your call on the moral stance you choose to take. I just know that one of my leagues has a strict PED policy. Sadly, one year an owner won the championship; it was soon uncovered he had partaken of Red Bull and Sprite at the draft. Of course, the drink gave him an unfair  competitive advantage. ‘Twas a sad day for The Red Bull RockStars, when they had to forfeit their crown.

Relive the Glory Days

When I attended a year high school reunion a few years back, I immediately remembered why I hated high school. Simply put, I was a moron, an Honor Society guy, and not overly athletic. Most of the dudes I ‘looked up to’ were … well, quite the opposite of me.

I primped and prepped for a night of proving to them that I had become ‘somebody’, and not the loser they remembered. Anyhow, the evening was pleasant enough, us downing a few cold ones and me essentially listening to those guys singing Bruce Springsteen’s Glory Days verbatim.

And you know what I learned that night? Their legendary stories of high school herorism on the field—and off, if you catch my drift—totally trumps my so-called successful life in the trivial areas like career and family.

So bring on your pompous, self-important reveling of fantasy league victories of yore. Others love hearing you ramble on about that game last year when Keenan Allen went off the very week you picked him up off waivers and saved your season. It’s endearing.

Take Voice Lessons

Or at least practice voice techniques, as detailed below. Admit it. Many of you screamed incessantly at your television when Matt Ryan threw an interception that last play of the San Francisco game in week 16.

That single play lost countless addicts their championship. So, screaming, hollering, and yelling were certainly in order. Others of us spent far too many hours this season in sports bars, chirping out our own brand of “woo-woo” or “bada bing” or some far eastern chimpanzee sneeze sound.

If it works, nobody's complaining. Yet, these are examples of vocal misuse or overuse, and these behaviors naturally negatively affect your vocal chords.  Now I don’t want to get too technical here, but I think the medical term is ‘sore throat’. Some suggested methods to eliminate or reduce vocal misuse or overuse include whispering, mouthing or using hand signals.

I'd suggest going to your local hang during, say, a baseball game this summer to practice whispering or mouthing "Hell, yeah" or "You suck!", or to use hand signals to notify your friend his team blows. Just keep it family friendly. These should likely help save your voice; I can't promise you won't get crazy looks from others at the bar, though. You're on your own there. 

Watch Paint Dry 

Hello. This is rather obvious. Color nor finish really matters here. Watching any paint dry is less boring than waiting for the season to begin.

Savor Your Sunday Mornings

Sundays are generally a whirlwind of frantic activity. I spend those precious hours simultaneously checking weather patterns over the outdoor stadiums, watching / reading / listening to a half dozen fantasy football podcasts, chats and television programs, setting then resetting then setting my lineups to their original states again, and studying Twitter for the latest injury reports. So, during this off-season, use Sundays as a literal day of rest. After sleeping in, drink lots of coffee and read a spy novel in bed. But be sure to observe a moment of silence at what would be kickoff—for me, straight up noon o’clock CST. Oh, and make sure to remove your hat during said observation, out of respect for those in the fantasy football community less fortunate that we. You know who I’m referring to—the ones who have never won their league. Sigh. Not even finished first in scoring overall, only to lose in the playoffs. Sad, I know.

Get a New Calendar

This can be a simple desk calendar, but preferably a wall calendar. Mark off each day until next season begins. The elementary procedure for doing this is to mark a loud, bold “X” in a different color across each day, noting another day of off-season survival. But, if you want to step up your game, paste a picture of the winner of your league over a month on your wall calendar. Then, instead of crossing off the days with ink and pen, use throw darts to make 30 holes into the opponent’s image. Of course, remember to use that childhood rhyming game to help you recall which months actually have 28 and which have 31 days. You’re welcome.

Amp up Your Game on Twitter

Talk about every minute detail of your world, at every moment of your day. Talk about what you’re eating: “Hey, I just had the perfect pickle!” Share your driving experiences: “Found a great parking spot at the post office.” Essentially, this is a two-fold benefit. First, you are practicing up on your Twitter communication skill set. And secondly, you’re killing time in this manner, rather than wasting time thinking about fantasy football. It’s a win win.

Watch The Television Show, The League, on FX

This one could be very important for your confidence. For those unaware, The League is a show about a group of guys who play in a fantasy football league together. They’re competitive. They’re crazy. They’re over the top. They’re, in many ways, a realistic representation of many of us addicts.

I recently saw one of the actors, Steve Rannazzissi who portrays Kevin on the show, do his standup comedy routine. Interestingly, he spoke of the show and the various characters who make up the friends in their television fake fantasy football league.

And get this, gang. Steve said no one on the show is really all that good at fantasy football. So here’s what you can take from this. You likely have a chance to beat those professional television fake fantasy football owners on that show. Yes, you. You may not be on TV.

You may not do standup. You may not have lots of money. You may not … ok, I’ll stop. Feel better now? Told you I was here to be a blessing.

Finally, Work on Your Tan and Rest Up

Fantasy football season will be here before you know it. It’s been said that if you don’t have your health and good looks, what do you really have now? I know from experience … if you come to the draft with a nice tan and feeling good about yourself, you’ll only make a handful of terrible decisions, rather than all bad ones. Of course, watch the alcohol consumption in this scenario, as well. And hey, if you’re in a co-ed league and you’re fat, happy and tan … may as well cue Marvin Gaye on the jukebox.

Well, I hope this session has been beneficial. It surely has helped me plan my fantasy football off-season. The bottom line for me is that I truly wish there was no off-season, and that I wasn’t here providing tips on how to make it through said off-season. I wish we could do something about it. Ya know, a petition? Because they always work. Or, wait, we could picket against there being an off-season. Or perhaps not; I’m not sure how it would work.

Back to Mitch Hedberg ... I do think he was channeling with me about this whole picketing thing. He famously stated that “I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.” Neither do I, Mitch. Neither do I. R.I.P., brother.