New Year’s Resolutions are generally about as original as Simon Cowell’s next iteration of a reality talent show / popularity voting contest. Everyone I know—no matter race, religious inclination or shoe size—makes resolutions. You know, the standard ones. Eat better. Read more. Work out. Stop texting suggestive selfies to the boss’s wife. Yawn. But New Year’s Resolutions for fantasy football owners? Now we’re talking, dawg.

Today, in honor of welcoming in the new year and all it has to bring, I will share my fantasy football resolution list with you, along with a few actual league anecdotes. I just hope the dudes and divas I’m dogging here don’t read this. Wait, I do want them to read this to get my Q Score up; I just hope they don’t get offended. Because seriously, everyone know the greatest form of flattery is, well … talking about people on a public forum. Hello, social networking!

Don’t drink and draft. Now, I don’t want to come across as a prude here but I’m actually not guilty of drinking and drafting. Ever. I’m not sure if it has more to do with not wanting to pick Adam Vinatieri in the fourth Round or that I like throwing up about as much as C.J. Spiller.

See what I did there? It’s not that I haven’t been tempted to drink while drafting. I mean, after conducting 14 drafts in five days, you might be more than willing to mix some of that Captain Morgan into your Diet Coke. Even more so, a guy in one of my live, in-person drafts literally didn’t pick Giovani Bernard this year because Bernard … wait for it … “sounds too damn Italian to score touchdowns in the NFL”.

Well done, alcohol, you win again. So given the ineptitude of some of those drafting while drinking I choose to learn from the mistakes of others … soberly. And you should too, friends.

Keep my league involvement at no more than 10 leagues. I recently heard a couple of experts talk about the 40-ish leagues in which they play, and how they actually forgot about a couple of their leagues. I don’t mean they forgot to set lineups or put in their waiver claims. I mean … they didn’t remember they HAD A TEAM in that league, until their opponent was trash-talking them on Twitter, for the world—or at least for the trash-talker’s 137 followers—to hear. When you start forgetting you even have a team, it’s time to cut back. Just say no, people. You can do it; I’m here for you when you need the support.

I will only act as commissioner in one league, my L.O.R. My League of Record is the league I check first for waiver claims and scores on Sunday afternoon. It’s the one league where money doesn’t matter and really the only prize awarded is pride. The league has been around for about 10 years now with essentially the same group of guys. We dish out trash. We’ve gone from straight redraft to partial keeper to salary cap back to partial keeper. Our punishment for not communicating or paying timely or whatever is getting to assign another dude’s team—last year one guy went the whole season as the Teenie Weenies. True story. We know each others’ tendencies—one guy will always have at least two Packers on his team, even or especially when he’s overvaluing players. I know that one guy hates Chris Johnson and Knowshon Moreno, but loves Frank Gore and Pierre Thomas. This will be my only league that I am commissioner. So that, of course, I can regulate the Teenie Weenies being trashed. And approve of it.

Try my hand at dynasty leagues. I realize at this juncture of this column, a certain segment of readers will roll their eyes and/or stop reading and/or unfollow me for my completely pedestrian approach as a fantasy owner. That’s cool, hipsters. I’ve been content winning money (and the aforementioned pride) in my redraft and keeper leagues. I’ve been on record as noting that many dynasty owners I know seem to always be looking to next year … in like Week 3! “Hey, should I trade my Eddie Lacy and a fourth rounder for his No. 1 and No. 4 picks next year? I’m already 0-2 in the league.“ Really? It’s freaking Week 3! I get—and appreciate—the long-term approach, the building of your team’s legacy, the gratification of latching onto young and developing players early. I also want to win. Like, this year. And despite all my grumbling here, I think I’m going to try it this year. Ya’ know, for a friend, to see how the whole thing works.

Do something cruel and unusual to owners that even think about autodrafting. You know how I was just spouting about being in too many leagues, and even forgetting you were IN a league? Well, I’ve been in one too many leagues of late, where an unhealthy number of owners autodraft.

Again, I get it—we’re ALL busy. We have jobs and classes and meetings and hair appointments. But when someone has two or three weeks notice, and still just decide flippantly to autodraft … it, in those famous words of my high school baseball coach, “Chaps my butt.” With all due respect.

So, this year, I resolve to take away a draft pick from those owners who must autodraft. Or select a kicker and a defense with their first two picks. Or give them a weekly handicap of minus 10 points. OK, not really. But it does chap my butt.

Join more mixed leagues. This isn’t referring to some 1960’s Southern U.S. political credo. I’m talking guys AND gals in leagues. I am in two leagues this year that have at least five women owners in each. In one, the league is split half dudes and half divas. The commissioner is a woman, and the league by-laws are setup that a girl and a guy will make the championship, based on gender division setup. And guess what, guys? At season’s end, more gals teams would have made the playoffs than guys if straight records had been followed. I love it. Let’s be honest; if most of us guys would take off our Macho Man pajamas and be open to the fact that a woman might know something about OUR game … maybe we can talk her into putting ON that same pajama top while she is kicking our ass. And if someone’s going to beat you … why not let it be a football-loving, snarky, smack-talking HER that beats you. Right?

Get to know the other owners in my leagues. As I referenced, I know the dudes in my one league quite well. And I know many in other leagues.

But there are leagues where I literally know the username of four owners, if that. Come on. Half the fun of fantasy football is the brother- (or sister-) hood of the fake football game. Dialogue. Hop on Twitter and initiate dialogue, or ask questions. Initiate dialogue. Make fun of your opponents strategy and definitely his or her team name. Even coordinate a getaway weekend for the draft.

I’ve seen it, and know others who fly to Vegas or Atlantic City or even Little Rock for a weekend of fun and frivolity. Oh yeah, and fantasy football drafting. I want to do that. And, for the record, gentlemen, this whole ‘getting to know other owners’ tactic can be beneficial when in (the previously discussed) mixed leagues.

If you catch my drift. I’m not saying fantasy football is or should be the next dating site alternative here. But why not try? You already have one common topic to discuss. Asking a woman is she’ll trade you Brandon Marshall for Reggie Bush is a million times easier than asking her if she comes here often, or for her astrological sign. I’m no ladies man, but I’m pretty sure I’m right here.

Don’t forget to enjoy the real football and not just the highs (and lows) of the fake football variety. I know we all get all caught up in feverishly scrolling the feed along the bottom of your favorite networks game of the week, wondering if that last completion by Jason Campbell went to Jordan Cameron or Josh Gordon. And speaking from personal experience, I don’t even want to know how much actual gametime I missed by waiting for the ticker to roll back around to that Cleveland versus Pittsburgh game. YOLO, people, YOLO. Enjoy the action of the game on the field. Or in your television screen.

So jump into 2014 with a bang. Join more leagues, if you’re new to the game. Scale back and focus on your favorite leagues, if you’re oversaturated. Get to know others that love this game because after all, fake football is a game. It’s no Simon Cowell fake reality show, but it’ll do.