Twas the night before Christmas, and … well, everyone I know is exhausted, and ready for some rest. Because leading up to the most popular morning in modern history for children 12 and under, everyone’s buzzing about spreading good holiday cheer—worrying how they’ll sufficiently appease their mother-in-law with that new set of ugly kitchen hand-towels or by flipping off the driver that just stole their parking spot in the 37th row out back behind the mall. Get out the mace.

In the 1988 film Scrooged, Frank Cross says that Christmas is that time of the year when “… we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more.” Personally, I’m not convinced of the first couple, but I can safely say one of these things in true. We’re cheering our teams along—especially if you’re one of the 17 NFL teams still mathematically alive, as of week 16.

So, in the spirit of things, I’m here to let you know what each of the 32 NFL teams has on their Christmas list this year. In my rather large family, growing up we always had holiday traditions. Like no one could open a single gift until Dad got up and ate breakfast. And played a round of golf. OK, the golf part isn’t true. In keeping with this, though, you can’t start your Christmas without reading my article. And in my own tradition, I’m listing the teams in order of my favorite mascots, least to most.

New York Jets

The Jets have quite a few holes to fill. This just in. They could certainly target outside offensive skill players; their group of wide receivers and tight ends rank in the least dynamic in the league.

But I’m going to go a bit old school here. When was the last Super Bowl for the J-E-T-S, Jets? And who led them to said promised land?

One Broadway Joe Namath predicted—and followed through by delivering—on a championship against the old Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III. And what sort of guy was Namath? Flamboyant, yep. Flashy, certainly.

The most talented quarterback in the league? Nada. Popular with the ladies. Hello! Wears funny things on his head? Remember the famous panty hose commercials? OK, neither do I, but surely there was a moment when he put them on his head.

All I’m saying is this, the Jets want the modern-day version of the next Namath. And who meets these criteria? Ladies and gentlemen, I present you … Mark Sanchez.  He’s definitely got the crazy hair piece thing going for him.

Washington Redskins

Simple. Robert Griffin III comes back fully healthy, Mike Shanahan leaves town, Alfred Morris goes back to the horse he’s been carrying the rock, Daniel Snyder changes the team name. OK, wait. Perhaps it’s not all quite so simple. The Redskins have one of the most loyal fanbases, a strong history and deep pockets. So what’s the problem? I’m not on the inside, but it sure hints of dissension exists somewhere between the three (Griffin III, Shanahan and Snyder). So, maybe Redskins just want what all of us really want this holiday season, peace on earth?

Miami Dolphins

South Beach is known for partying, beaches, Lebron and the Heat, hot women and … and the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins. So, what do the Dolphins want for Christmas? They need flash, pizzazz, high energy, drama. Is that what Daniel Thomas and Brian Hartline sound like to you? Bring back Reggie Bush, and he’s sure to bring some tagalong drama and entertainment alongside. It comes with the territory. He also brings speed and home run potential to the team. And hey, he could even bring his old USC buddy Matt Leinart along with him? Or not.

Denver Broncos

What does a team need, when they have one Peyton Manning? Not a whole lot, honestly, if the defense just picks up the slack and stops the other guys oh … about twice a game.

Wait, that formula didn’t work last year against the Ravens? Oh yeah. In that light, the Broncos defense has been mostly solid this year.

So, fans likely want a bubble surrounding Peyton to protect him from … well, everything. On and off the field.

Remember Bubble Boy, from Seinfield? Totally what I’m envisioning.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I think I speak for the masses when I say one Christmas wish for the Buccaneers is … get rid of the loud, booming cannons that fire seven times for each touchdown and three times for each field goal scored by the home team. I’m surprised season ticket holders haven’t sued the organization for hearing defects or heart attacks. Oh, wait, Josh Freeman has been at the helm of this offense the past couple of years. So, home fans weren’t treated to an overabundance of booms each Sunday.

San Francisco 49ers

Honestly? The ‘Niners are close. Close to that old stadium crumbling? Well, perhaps that also.

But, close to having themselves a little dynasty. One of the best offensive lines in the league, coupled with a bruising defense. And, oh yeah, a potentially rising star in Colin Kaepernick, and a beast at tight end in Vernon Davis.

They’ve got the package deal going on. For the holidays, they just don’t want their coach to have a heart attack.

I mean, Jim Harbaugh just seems as tightly wound as any guy seen roaming the sidelines in the NFL right now. I hope there’s an EKG specialist or someone nearby during their games this coming year. 

Buffalo Bills

I’d say Bills fans don’t want their team to play games in Toronto. For starters, this is American football, not Canadian football. Secondly, they’re losing a home game by going across the border to play a game. Granted, C.J. Spiller scampers better on artificial turf than on grass, but they still have the venerable Fred Jackson to grind away on the home turf. Bills fans are some of the best and most loyal; they deserve to not have one of their games stolen. Want to start a petition to Roger Goodell, Bills fans? Because, ya know, petitions work so well.

Cincinnati Bengals

I have a friend who lives in Cincinnati and is a die-hard “Who-dey.” Her biggest fear every year? Fear itself. She says Bengal fans are literally waiting for bad things to happen, for the sky to fall, Chicken Little. This team is talented. Andy Dalton has weapons in A.J. Green and Giovani Bernard, and the defense, prior to the secondary being decimated by injury, was developing into a very solid unit. So, what does Marvin Lewis’s team want this year? A year’s worth of ‘overcoming fear’ courses. But it might be cheaper to simply watch Chicken Little on team movie night.

Indianapolis Colts

Luck. The Colts already have Luck on their side, literally. And, as many would say, they lucked up when they let Peyton go in getting young Andrew Luck. So, I think the Colts are wishing for luck again, this time in the form of Trent Richardson panning out into some semblance of a solid NFL running back. I think there’s that potential, certainly. This year just didn’t kick off with a bang. And, on the Richardson note, I hope his NFL career takes precedence over his off-the-radar film career. I think there’s a bit more money—and respectability—in finding the holes on the football field.

Seattle Seahawks

Let’s just give Pete Carroll more gum. OK, that’s just for stocking stuffers. But, man, that guy chomps on the gum during games, no?

Really, though, Seahawk fans and front office want Percy Harvin to come back with a healthy vengeance.

If you add another dynamic playmaker to Russell Wilson, Marshawn Lynch, that choking defense, and the raucous home crowd,  you’ve got yourselves a powerhouse, my friends.

Hmmm, maybe Carroll chews the gum to keep his ears from popping, due to noise. Never thought of that.

New England Patriots

When I glanced at the Patriots wish list, I was initially perplexed. Then the light bulb went on. The top entry on their list was ‘more stealth’ video equipment. You following? Anyone remember a little something called Spygate? Apparently, their own little stalker scheme would have, indeed, worked … had their equipment provided more covert videotaping abilities. And the clandestine operation would have worked like a charm; unfortunately, the Patriots have suffered through 11 straight double digit winning seasons, including 2013. Poor guys. They need this new equipment.

Kansas City Chiefs

In the movie The Santa Clause, the character Scott asks, “Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?” I sorta feel this is what Chiefs fans are thinking. Reality may not be another 11 or 12 win season. And to advance through the playoffs, they’d have to go through Denver. Truthfully, I hope their ascent continues. I love watching Jamaal Charles run, and hopefully the resurgence is not a one year thing. It’s a good thing for the NFL when one of the original, important AFL franchises is successful. Hopefully this becomes a reality.

Chicago Bears

Each time I see those State Farm commercials with Da Bears Boys, I’m reminded how far the mighty have fallen.

When they won the Super Bowl in 1985, their defense was so dominating, it was hailed as potentially the greatest ever. Muhammad Ali begged to differ.

But I digress. Mike Ditka makes an appearance in these commercials

. And, well, unless you’ve been under a rock since ‘85, you know that Diiiiiiitka ranks higher than the Pope with Bears fans. So, here’s the Bears wish this year. Bring Ditka into the front office. Better yet, bring him back as the Bears’ coach. Hell, let him play middle linebacker again. And quarterback. Chicago would be doing the Super Bowl Shuffle again in no time.

San Diego Chargers

The Chargers just feel like one of those teams that may just never get over the hump. Over the recent years, they’ve compiled SO much talent (Philip Rivers, Drew Brees, LaDanian Tomlinson, Darren Sproles, Vincent Jackson). They made a couple of runs deep into the playoffs. But they always seemed to get off to slow starts, playing lethargically the first half or so of each season, before coming on late. So, on their wish list? Five Hour Energy. Quick energy to get you going. Cure that two o’clock feeling. Translated into an NFL season, that’s about six games. Don’t agree? OK, fine. Red Bull instead.

Oakland Raiders

Al Davis was always regarded as an innovative guy, who won three Super Bowls under his command. Just win, baby. Controversial at times? Sure, but the Raiders really haven’t been relevant since, well, the Tuck Rule game versus the Patriots in 2001. So, the Raiders want a time machine for Christmas this year. Speedy wide receivers. Drafting punters in the first round. Dirty play. Kenny Stabler, Ted Hendricks, and Dave Casper. Bring ‘em all back. And playoff success is right around the corner. Oh, and I hear that Terrelle Pryor likes driving Deloreans.

Houston Texans

I think we’ve all figured out what the Texans need to take that next step to long-term success. It’s so obvious, I can’t believe I didn’t pick up on it more quickly. Tear-away jerseys. When Earl Campbell was, literally, running over and through people back in his Houston days in the 1980’s, his jersey may as well have been perforated at the shoulder pads for easy ripping apart. Arm or jersey tackling? Right. Fast-forward to Arian Foster and Ben Tate, in this scenario. Those guys with tear-away jerseys? They’d never pass to Andre Johnson.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Is there a connection between the Steelers and the Duck Dynasty empire? Sure there is. The head honcho, Phil, from the Dynasty gang, and Terry Bradshaw played college football together. In fact, Phil was the better player. And now, check out the beards on Ben Roethlisberger and Brett Keisel. I’m pretty sure I saw Keisel on a DD episode couple weeks back, working the warehouse. So, the wish list from Steelers fans? More beard. Don’t know about you, but I’d love to see some long-ass beards on Antonio Brown and Troy Polamalu.

Baltimore Ravens

Ray-Ray. That is all. Sure, Joe Flacco led them to the Super Bowl win, and signed a monster new contract. Sure, they have enough veteran leaders to win games they shouldn’t, and potentially even make a playoff run. But come on, man! Without Ray Lewis providing pre-, mid-, and post-game outbursts and antics, the Ravens just feel … I don’t know … boring? They have a great coach, and veteran savvy. And enough talent to do some damage, I’d think, especially if Bernard Pierce can adequately fill a two-headed monster for the running attack. They really need to shape up the offensive line to make that happen. Honestly, though, I’m sure ESPN love having Ray Lewis onboard, though I’ve not seen him cry on set yet. Have you?

Carolina Panthers

Carolina wants a new Superman cape for Cam Newton. I’ll be honest. Of all the young multi-dimensional quarterbacks in the league, Newton passes my eye test in having the most upside.

He’s a beast when he wants to run. He has a rifle for an arm. Perhaps Panthers’ brass should concentrate on more wide receiver talent than stockpiling running backs, especially when Cam occupies so many rushing opportunities on his own.

I have a call in to see what size cap he wears. His dad hasn’t returned my calls just yet.

Philadelphia Eagles

Under Chip Kelly’s fast break offense, the Eagles lead the league in several offensive categories, including the shortest time between each play. It’s like they’re playing hot potato and don’t want to get caught with the ball in their hands too long. I happen to love watching their games—especially when they’re clicking. The tempo and options and formations and play-calling is all so foreign to the NFL we’ve seen. So, what’s on the Eagles’ list this year? Oxygen. Oxygen masks. Oxygen tanks. You name it. Can you imagine if Kelly had been hired by the Broncos? If the offense could handle the pace in Denver, opposing defenses trying to stop them would have been showing more cramping than … Ya know, I’d better stop right there.

St. Louis Rams

I think it’s safe to say the Rams would welcome back, with open arms, Mr. Kurt Warner. Hey, has anyone realized there was an original Curt Warner, who played running back for the Seahawks in the 1980’s? He was the AFC Offensive Player of the Year in 1983. Yet, we seem to forget him for a former convenience store stock boy turned NFL MVP and Super Bowl champ. Shocking, I know. Anyhow, Warner (of the Kurt variety) tops the Rams wish list this year. It seems there may even be a resurrection of the “Greatest Show on Turf”, with some of the weapons they are compiling in St. Louis. Now, I wish nothing but the best for Sam Bradford, and hope his road to recovery is speedy and full. It would be nice to see that turf burning again.

Arizona Cardinals

Bruce Arians and company have done an amazing job this year. That defense is stout. Carson Palmer is using his skill players just enough to get by, along with the given two interceptions per week.

They’ll post at least 10 wins, and yet likely not make the playoffs, thanks to playing in the same division as the Seahawks and San Francisco.

So, for Christmas this year, the Cardinals want out of the NFC West. It’s only right. I want to see another NFL Classics Film scene of Larry Fitzgerald bolting down the middle of the field late in a Super Bowl. He deserves it. Great guy, great player, great locks.

Atlanta Falcons

These boys just want to stay healthy. That is all. I don’t have to deliberate here. I’ll just mention the names. Julio Jones should be mentioned in the same breath with Calvin Johnson and Josh Gordon. Roddy White is a machine when healthy. Steven Jackson was poised for a good run this year in that offense. So, poor Matt Ryan honestly just wants to see little zero red crosses next to his teammates’ names next year. Oh, and for a stocking stuffer? Their defense could try and stop someone every other week.

New Orleans Saints

The Saints record when playing at home over the past couple years is remarkable. They’re honestly just a different team when on the road. So, Drew Brees and company will be petitioning the NFL offices in New York to play all home games at the Superdome in New Orleans next year. Home field advantage for the Saints? Sure. But think of all the advertising attention Mercedes-Benz will receive. And we all know the NFL needs to make some cake. It’s a shame they can’t make much cash from their product. Can you say win / win?

Jacksonville Jaguars

One word. Tebowmania. Could this one be any more clear? The only thing Jaguar fans want this Christmas is … the return of their states’ adopted son, the effervescent college star who is nothing if not the living, breathing definition of lightning rod. He is, no doubt, a leader as a person and his resume proves him to be a winner. The fine citizens of Jacksonville have taken to billboards and bombarding radio shows to sell home their point. They want some Tebow. I mean, come on, he’d sell tickets, right? And jerseys. And fill up stadiums with God-fearing fans like never before. After Blaine Gabbert and Chad Henne lit up the league this year, I say, “Why not?” We could all use another couple million Twitter pics of random people Tebow-ing. On second thought …

Tennessee Titans

With the passing of long-time owner and league legend Bud Adams, the team’s leadership is in disarray. This holiday season, the Titans want direction. Direction, not directions. I’m not talking north star or GPS or Mapquest here. Are they a running team? And if so, is Chris Johnson the man? And then, if so, why did they bring in Shonn Greene? To attempt a ‘smash and dash’ running back formula? Is Mike Munchak the man, long-term? Will Jake Locker fulfill his potential, or where will he fit into the other quarterbacks in his 2011 draft class (Cam Newton, Andy Dalton, Blaine Gabbert, Christian Ponder)?

Green Bay Packers

I recently heard someone at some sports bar on some sports night in some sports city say that the venerable John Madden and Mike Holmgren might have a couple of voodoo dolls in play this year. They keep poking and prodding current Packer players, causing injury after injury after injury to the team. Holmgren wouldn’t want the team to succeed, since his departure. Madden’s reasoning is obvious. His love for Brett Favre goes overboard, we know that. And he defies anyone to supersede Favre in any category in any way. I’m actually surprised Madden allowed Aaron Rodgers to do all those commercials.

Cleveland Browns

This one feels obvious to me. The good people of Cleveland want one Josh Gordon’s nose to be remain clean. A simple request, figuratively and literally.

Gordon’s explosive, breakout year has literally put him on the map, and with it … the hopes for respectability—or at least excitement—for the entire team.

There hasn’t been this much attention given to Cleveland sports since a young Lebron James took the Cavaliers to the NBA Finals. Then, not sure if you heard, he bolted the city.

Ya think Cleveland fans would crap a brick if Gordon left town or got busted again. I’d think so, but given the historical landscape of Cleveland sports figures, perhaps we’ll just keep letting Cleveland be know for rock and roll music. And Drew Carey. Hmmmm. Now that I say that, come on Gordon.

Detroit Lions

Remember Handshake-gate, from the 2011 season, when the 49ers came into Detroit to take on the Lions in an early season showdown of then-powers. The Lions were undefeated. The 49ers were making statements about their toughness. San Francisco came from behind, and the standard, blasé post-game coaches handshake was anything but. Lions head coach Jim Schwartz and the 49ers Jim Harbaugh got a little mouthy and had to be separated before fisticuffs ensued. In looking back, it just feels like Schwartz and the Lions have not been the same since. Loaded with impressive offensive talent, the Lions are the least disciplined teams since the Al Davis Raiders. At any sign of adversity, they seem to fold up like a cheap suit. How DOES a cheap suit fold up? Like a paper airplane? Origame? Right triangles?

New York Giants

Had I written this column as a Christmas in July piece way back when, this would likely have read something more along the lines of, “Giants Want Super Bowl Home Field Advantage.” News flash: They’re not very good this year. Ain’t gonna happen. The New York football Giants would love to have a healthy backfield in 2014. After everyone’s phenom-in-waiting David Wilson, Andre Brown, and even the modern-day Mike Alstott Peyton Hillis all struggled with or went down to injury this year, the Giants backfield is a Who’s Who of … who knows? Michael Cox is the next man up. I don’t think the Mara family is ready to roll out next season with anything less than Wilson or Brown.

Minnesota Vikings

All I’ve heard the past few years is that the NFL is a quarterback league. Granted, when this comes from Trent Dilfer, it makes you wonder a bit. But I think the analysis is accurate. When you have an indestructible superhuman in the backfield, leaving defenses to stack the box with eight or nine guys, you need JUST a smidge of a passing game. The combination of Christian Ponder / Matt Cassel / Josh Freeman, though functioning at times, won’t remind anyone of … hell, even of Jay Cutler / Josh McCown in Chicago. But can you imagine? A quarterback that can at least make opposing coordinators respect the pass, combined with Peterson’s and punishing runs? I can see A.P. now; he’s whipping up some milk and cookies, in hopes that Saint Nick delivers on this wish.

Dallas Cowboys

America’s Team has so much material here, so I saved the best for last. The Cowboys’ top wish could be a new barber for Rob Ryan flowing locks. It could be for a permanent roof over Cowboy Stadium, so God doesn’t have to actually watch the meltdowns each week. Or a rather large pacifier for a wide receiver with a rather large propensity for drama. Yet, I’ll go with this. The Cowboys one wish this year should be for new General Manager. Let’s find someone to run the organization whose surname is not Jones. Sorry, Felix Jones, you’re still a little too close to the vest, because of the mancrush Jerry had on you the past few years. Oh, and your last name. Until Jerry goes away, I’m afraid the star on the helmet will represent significantly less than championships. But hey, you’ll gross $73 billion dollars in profits each year. Because, in football, we all know that making money is better than winning playoff games.

So there you have it, my interpretation of Santa’s Wish List for all 32 NFL teams. May your team find just what they need, under the tree this year. And, please, don’t let my lump of coal ruin your holiday (or team) this year. After all, Santa is watching.